Pathetic Moments... Shopping

Well, I have been in search over the past few weeks looking for the perfect kitchen island barstools.

I know I have reached an all time low, when I have clicked through all of the returned google search links and still haven't found a barstool that is the correct color, or height, or price, or swivel, or pattern.

I have come close, but either the price is too high, or everything looks great, but it has some funky ornate legs, or the seat cushion is a weird color or made of fake leather. I have something in my mind, but until I see it, I'll keep looking. Sigh.

I've had similar problems selecting a sink. Now the stupid faucets. Rather ridiculous for a woman living in a mess for so long.

Almost Have a Kitchen

Firing Mr. Dreamer and taking charge of hiring outside help has been a life saver. He can drive me insane, but I do love just hanging out with him and he's been here for me through all of my ups and downs.

I guess blogging and venting about everything helped me realize a lot of things. For one, I wouldn't divorce him, but I would opt to move-out and live in my own space. He knows this was almost a reality this past year and the reason he finally relented to hire-out the work that needs to be done around here.

I'd be cooking in my kitchen if it wasn't for a few things that were ordered incorrectly, so we have to wait 3-4 weeks for the correct items, then can get the granite guy to template, then the sinks get installed as under mounts and once the main sink is in, the dishwasher can be hooked-up.

Yep, it has been crazy time in less than a year. I went from not being able to work, to very close to suicide, to getting a big promotion, and having a very livable house, almost a home!!! All due to the miracles of modern medicine and this great country of opportunity. I know a lot of people have lost a job or have taken pay cuts to keep their job, which I wish wasn't the case for them; however, I am also going to enjoy my good fortune while I am able to enjoy it.

As for medications, I was on the extreme side of being very tired. Went back to see my original Dr. Guess what? I have my narcolepsy sleeping disorder back. I think the schizophrenia/bi-polar diagnosis was because of my extreme PTSD. It is the only thing that makes sense as to how highly functioning I am now. Anyhow, I am back on Provigil and my Dr. had a blood test for Vitamin D and it was extremely low. So, I take a prescription strength vitamin D 2 times a week. They think this is what causes SAD (Season Affective Disorder) and other depression. Makes sense, 'cause the light therapy never worked for me, no matter how much I wanted it to work.

Also, I am loving the challenge of my work. Granted, when I win the lottery jackpot, I still will be giving my 2 weeks notice, but what I am doing now isn't so bad to pass the time away.

Aside from some small things, the inside of the house is done. Looking at the kitchen, it is if it has always been there. Which means it fits in to the space and doesn't look out-of-place. Hum, what has my fuss been all of these years....

As for Mr. Dreamer and his hundreds of unfinished projects, well I think he always has had this issue, but on a smaller scale, like not reading magazines, piling up to-do lists, things I just wasn't able to visibly see or notice, because it was all in his head or computer or in his office, not all around me.

I must confess, I have NADA, ZERO, ZILCH tolerance for him when he is dreaming about starting a task or project, or grand idea. I am sticking to my guns about him not starting a new hobby or task. He has hundreds to complete around here.

Broken Promises

I truly love Mr. Dreamer and know he does adore me, but he gets so easily distracted. He will admit that he needs to be on medication for ADHD (Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder), but refuses to do it in fear of how it could change him. I have recently had some insight from his co-workers into how ADHD impacts his work and everyone speaks about how bad it is, but he is extremely smart, quick to react, and can solve any problem. At work I learned, he does have issues with managing his time, over-promising due to under estimating how long things take, and being easily distracted by other tasks. He is known for being a very dedicated and hard-worker. Of course, none of us have an MD, but the consensus is that he needs to be medicated. Sidebar: I once spoke to a psychologist about Mr. Dreamer’s inability to finish things and she said her husband was the same and Mr. Dreamer most likely does need to medicated from what I told her, but he probably wouldn’t do it because of the false belief that it would change him.

I am at the point with this remodel that I am seeking couple’s counseling for the 2 of us to get our priorities straight. I am just so overwhelmed with it that it’s come down to me or the house. I am now earning a 6-figure salary; I can support myself and my horses very well on my own. I love him, enjoy having fun with him, appreciate his optimism, but he isn’t cut-out for the reality of life. He is just all about having fun all of the time. First off, I knew it would take a long time to get this remodel done, I never had a problem with him taking his time to learn or taking his time to research how to solve a particular problem. However, he will go for months without doing any project at all and will be off playing with his friends, going to concerts, buying season tickets to games, and then will work for a few partial weekends on a project in desperate need of attention. I originally never put duration to anything, because we didn’t know how long things would take, plus he is an adult and I don’t want to be his mother. However, he has even said he needs me to nag him to get this done. I am not that person. I am independent myself and treat others with respect. I don’t mind helping people, but I do NOT want to become a nag to motivate my husband. This makes me so angry that he can't find his own motivation to get this done for our relationship and future together.

I honestly feel betrayed by this entire remodel. Again, this was not my idea; I was strongly against buying this house and property. Before signing the contract, I broke-down crying in front of the real estate agent (me cyring in front of someone NEVER has happened before, I am very stoic) about buying this property. Mr. Dreamer swayed my opinion because he sold me on the idea that HE would find enjoyment out of taking on this dream of building our property and this would be his one primary hobby. I agreed to sign on the dotted line, because of the promise he made to me.

I am going to start a journal of when he actual spends time working on the house and property. In his mind, he has convinced himself that he works on the place on a regular basis. This is NOT reality. He also thinks he has started riding the horse on a regular basis. The horse in question needs to be ridden 4+ times a week. He only rode him ONE day over a month ago this entire summer. I have been picking up the slack for him; otherwise he’d get killed when he tried to ride him again.

So, we ordered, our kitchen cabinets and they have been sitting in our barren kitchen over the past few months. I refuse to let him install them. He wants to START another project, but he has over a few hundred to finish (not exaggerating, I have them listed, I’d list them all here but then if you were my neighbor, you’d know my identity). He LOVES to start a project, but he isn’t so keen on finishing them. I want a professional to install them.

An acquaintance of ours will install them for us, so I put Mr. Dreamer in charge of scheduling this, since “the plan” for compromise was that he’d help the General Contractor install, by doing the grunt work for a week, so he’d have some kind of involvement/ownership/sense of accomplishment for installing the kitchen. Guess what? He hasn’t made a simple phone call to arrange to have the guy come out for an estimate. However, he can find the time to arrange to buy tickets to events, swap-out tickets, make plans for all of these fun activities, while I have the pleasure of being home alone with no kitchen sink, no DW, kitchen cabinets. Just a wonderful microwave and frozen dinners in the freezer.

Part of me knows that for me to stay in this relationship, I need to just blank-out anytime he promises me that he’ll complete a task. I have told him this, because it is the truth. He’ll be hurt by it, but that’s ok, because I am telling the truth and I can’t keep my anger and disappointment inside anymore, because it turns into a severe and deep depression where I can’t get out of the bed in the morning.

I have been experiencing extreme debilitating back pain, which I thought was maybe psychosomatic, but an MRI proved I have an herniated disc and the leg nerve pain/numbness/weakness is real.

The other day, Mr. Dreamer announced he was going to just start installing the kitchen cabinets. I IMMEDIATELY had an uncontrollable sobbing, hyperventilating attack of crying. I knew he’d start it, but not finish it properly. I then dragged him around the house to all of the unfinished projects.

I manage resources for a living, I guess I’ll just start having to manage Mr. Dreamer at home. No rest from work for me. He can’t self-manage and I can’t take this anymore. This is truly driving me crazy. I have no tolerance for it and feel that I am being emotionally tortured with repeated promises that fall through.

Pre-Emptive Winter Blues

Yes, I am enjoying the current lovely weather. However, the thought of what it will be like in a few months fills me with dread. Again, YES, I AM ENJOYING THE WEATHER, but I am convinced I need to move to a place that doesn't have such dreary miserable winters. Every since I've moved furthr North I realize how depressed I get in the winter. I haven't been on any drugs since March and I feel so much better, so it must be the weather.

I'm trying to prepare for the weather by planning vacations ahead, activities, etc. but I have this sense of dread in the back of my mind of how crazy I go in the winter weather.

I am also extremely pissed-off with Mr. Dreamer right now. First off, he does deserve to enjoy having some fun, but he promised me when buying Remodel HELL that it would be his one and only hobby. I'm too pissed to finish this. SCREAMING!!!!!!!!

I am still here

I am doing well, aside from recovering from the flu. Ugh, I don't ever remember getting the flu past spring.

I am looking to buy another horse to ride. I still have my pasture buddy at home, but he'll never be able to compete, so I am going to look for another competition horse. My pasture horse is doing great and I'm getting him ready for Mr. Dreamer to ride out on the trails.

Part of the new kitchen cabinets have arrived, but we are missing a big chunk of them, ugh. I had to stay home waiting for them, then only the one color shows up. We have 2 different colors for the kitchen. No word on the missing cabinets I have already paid for. It'll be a while before they get installed. I am insisting on a professional finish carpenter to install them, even if I have to pay for it myself.

Well, I should get to bed, just wanted to update everyone. This is the first time in a long time I've actually used my personal computer. I mainly am always using my work laptop for work.

The Joys of Sleep

Even though I have been working a lot of hours and have a high stress job, I am so relieved I naturally get tired at night. I can't even keep myself up to finish watching one of our favorite recorded TV shows. It is amazing, I just fall asleep. Mr. Dreamer will have the TV and lights on and I still fall asleep.

Sleep is an amazing thing to me after having suffered a bad case of insomnia. I can have a stressful busy day at work and still just fall asleep. No wonder I was so depressed, not being able to naturally sleep for so many month.

I am enjoying each day that I can and hope my insomnia doesn't return. If it does, I'll immediately take a lorazapam.

New Opportunity

I am so excited. I have landed my dream job!

I will start in a few weeks. I have wanted a job just like this one for years, but I never really pursued it. The opportunity was right. I took a chance, told things the way they are and now I have even a bigger job then what I originally asked for.

The best part is that I created the job opening by selling my skill sets and giving examples of how I would solve some of the problems I see around me. The job I originally asked to be created, morphed into something even bigger! About ten times bigger. My new boss saw my potential.

Overnight, I have jumped-up the corporate ladder 4 levels. I am so happy! I am proud of myself for finally believing in myself and just going for it. America is such a great country with awesome opportunities.

Look how far I have made it and what I have overcome in my life. I am downright giddy.